Murderous Machines

When you walk on a treadmill in front of a TV at 10 a.m., you get to hear all kinds of interesting tidbits. Today I learned about murder mysteries that are all named after a dessert. The book being promoted was called "The Apple Turnover Murder. " I kid you not. Some of the other titles are "The Plum Pudding Murder" and "The Cream Puff Murder." I tried to imagine how the people died in these books. Heads smashed into a concoction of butter, cream and chocolate? Maybe with a few nuts stuck up the nose? This reminded me of the murder series that is based on the letters of the alphabet: "K is for Killer," "Be is for Burglar," "S is for Silence". A limit of 26 letters puts a potential end to the crime fighter's murder cases whereas the dessert detective could go on and on and on.

Inspired by the dessert and the alphabet murder series AND my treadmill, I've come up with my very own series: The LA Fitness Murder Mystery Series, featuring the somewhat underweight detective, Lana Flexor. First books of the series are Treadmill Trauma, Bar Bell Barbiturates, and The Curse of the Bicep Curl.

In Treadmill Trauma, a poor hapless out-of-shape exerciser is the unwitting victim of a machine gone mad. He thinks he sets the speed at 4 m.p.h. but the murderer has rigged the machine to move at 10 times that speed. Before he can pull his red emergency cord, which the murderer knows the exerciser never attaches to his clothes, our victim flies off the treadmill, hitting his head on the Stair Master behind him, instantly dying. Our skillful detective, Lana Flexor, a personal trainer by day, must solve the crime with only her wits and a Polar Heart Monitor to aid her.

There are days when I think exercise is murder.