Sunday, January 20, 2013

Boomer Ready for the Apocalypse

Last night I watched a really horrid movie, "The Book of Eli."   I do not recommend it.  However,  unlike many movies that I do like, this one did provide some very practical information.  That is, what I should own in order to be prepared to do business in a post-apocalyptic world.

First, you should own cats.  (I, in fact, own two.)  Apparently, according to Eli, cats make good food and produce some cool oil that's good for your lips.   I noticed there were no dogs in this movie.  I am figuring that since dogs are man's best friend, they just went right up to the survivors, wagged their tails and said "bark, bark...go ahead and eat me."  Cats, on the other hand, would say "screw you...catch me if you can."

I noticed everyone wore sunglasses in the movie.  Apparently the sun will not be our friend to our eyes in this new world.  As it happens I buy lots of sunglasses every summer because I always lose them but I figure if it  becomes necessary, I could probably find them.

Then you have to have a good supply of valuable stuff that will work like money in the new society.

  • Chapstick...apparently lips get really dry when the world about comes to an end.   I felt a certain smugness at this because Hubby routinely buys Chapstick in the Costco giant billion pack size.  I'm practically a millionaire on Chapstick alone.
  • Shampoo/soap..particularly those little hotel items.    People who smell good at the end of time, are really admired.  (I suppose that is true even now.)   As we routinely steal all little soaps, shampoos, and lotions from hotels we stay in, I have a good start on my own little Fort Knox.
  • Hand wipes...the kind you get from greasy fast food restaurants with the lemony scent.    We use to have all kinds of these.  Great for camping.  But they dried out.  Hence, I realize I'll have to have a strategy to immediately raid the devastated remains of KFC and Popeyes as soon as it is safe to venture outside.  I'm betting those who have not seen "The Book of Eli" will not have any clue what riches are in these restaurants, probably making the mistake of focusing on the mashed potatoes.
  • will always be our friend.  I don't have any of the traditional cigarette lighters but I do have fireplace lighters.  And let's face it, they are a lot cooler and probably hold more of the fire lighting fuel.   
Of course I only need money for things I don't have. For instance, according to Eli, if my ipod runs out of juice, I'll want to buy a charge.   I'm betting when this movie was made, the world didn't have those cool wind 'em up and charge your phone and ipod and ipads and other devices.  So, I'll just make sure I have a couple of those wind up things and I can go into the retail "charge your stuff" business generating lots more shampoo/Chapstick/hand wipe money.

Bullets and guns are pretty important because you have to kill your food, preferably the cats and not people, which apparently is the food of choice for some when all else fails.    This is why I will need lots of shampoo/Chapstick/hand wipe money because  I am hopeful that with enough I can continue to get my food from others and pretend like I don't know where it came from.    A lot like now.

I could become a vegan like my daughter, then the only thing I'll need to buy is water.  And now that I've seen the movie, I know the water will be in caves.   A scouting mission to Wind Cave NP may be in order.

Yup.  I'm ready.  There's only one thing.  For some reason old people don't seem to survive in this brave new world.  Damn birthdays.